Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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