Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
