atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
