no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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