Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like death gave me a hand job
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
How does it feel to date your dad?
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