Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
