I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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