Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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