her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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