I never want to see another naked old woman again.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I did not marry a roomba.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
