Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
