What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
