So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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