Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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