i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
