I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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