would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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