evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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