Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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