i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
