It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
