from now on my penis is your penis
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
