Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
