apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
