my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
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