There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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