idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
