Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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