dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
