Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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