Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize