I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
