I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
