ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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