just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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