She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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