the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
