I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
