It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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