either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Too much gin, very little bucket
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
