singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize