you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
