All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
