I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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