New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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