Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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