When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
