So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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