Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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