I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You can't just leave with hair like that
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
