Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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