Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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