my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
