Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
