I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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