My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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