Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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