come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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