The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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