new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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