WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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