I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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