I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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