i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
