I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
