In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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