I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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